I should have been doing homework; piles of undone costing, human resources and cooking homework lay around my computer desk at home. But, the day was breeze and beautiful and it seemed restless in a sort of way. So I put on my coat and pants grabbed my sunglasses along with my apple laptop and headed to my car.
After about an hour or driving around, I decided to eat a little Greek Café along Los Altos Boulevard and Kane, just a few minutes from work.
“I have never come here with Tati,” was the thought that came to my mind. And at the thought my thoughts became sad, musing about last night and how even though we tried nothing was solved.
I sat down after ordering and began to write the events of the night before. I typed really fast the words flowing out of my head onto my hands. They came fast in sentences that soon turned to paragraphs and then before long I had a string of pages flowing through my page.
I didn’t stop except for the occasional look at cars that drove past my tiny outdoor table. A grey SUV driving slowly as if lost, a white Honda, with tinted windows and followed by a white Suzuki van. A black Mercedez convertible with an older couple letting their hair fly in the wind, as if relieving some long lost memories. Late came a silver Jaguar, long and elegant, riding up with easy knowing everyone is looking. And so on random cars that I turned to every once in a while, deciding what the owner should be and then going on with my writing.
I wrote about my wild nights of parting in the scope of things really did not seem so bad. I wrote about my hurt feelings as her eyes looked untrusting toward me. I wrote about the comfort that Karina’s invitation had brought and the confusion when she spoke of Ryan. I didn’t know if it all made sense, but life didn’t always make sense.
In the shade the day began to get chilly and so I decided to wrap things up and get dressed for work. I sighted at the though of confronting Tati again, I had been avoiding her since the night before. I called as promised once I checked on the girls and then headed of to bed. Careful to wake up earlier that her I headed out the door. When I returned to the house she was not there, I already knew that. She closed tonight again.
“Hello, Tatiana,” I said using her full name as I always did at work.
“Hello, Anahi,” she answered.
“I brought you lunch,” I said offering a sweet smile.
“Its in the office, got you the grilled veggie sandwich from the restaurant across the house,” I spilled before she could speak.
“Thank you,” she said,
“I’ll eat it later,” she said monotone, which signaled that she still hadn’t gotten over last night.
I was about to give her a sincere apology, a stop to our awkward silence, but just then a group of server gathered around us and I stopped the words from coming out. This conversation would have to wait till tonight.
As fate would have it, there was a take-out call-out and I was no doubt recruited to cover. I would be closing again, alone with Tatiana. This would be the make or break. I seriously considered moving out, this affected both of or work environments and I didn’t want to continue on like that.
The night was bad enough, with the stress visibly palpable between Tatiana and me. Every time I asked for something she was not cheerful, it got a point when I asked someone else to ask her for something. Then Karina came and handed me a soft pink bag, with the fluffy paper you put in that sort of gift bag.
“ I got you the shirt you liked the last time we went shopping,” said the note attached. And I didn’t bother opening it; I knew what she was talking about. It was a white silky shirt, with black trimming and a silver belt under the bust line. I had made a comment last time and then turned over the tag and realized that I did not want to buy it at that time.
“Awww, Karina you didn’t have to get that for me,” I told her sincerely thinking that she had spent too much on me.
“I wanted to,” she answered smiling expecting.
I went to give her a hug and whispered, “Still I don’t really need a gift I just want all the people I love to be close to me.”
“Shush,” she signaled with her finger to her lips and a smile. “I don’t want another word out of you.”
“Okay,” I said complacently, “Thank you so much.”
“I want to see it on you, so you have to come to lunch tomorrow, we are having a backyard picnic,” she asked almost ordering.
“Okay I will be there…”
Just as I was smiling and almost forgetting the sadness that was weighting me down, Tati came around the corner and saw the gift bag in my hand.
“Are you guys slow, so I can face one of you, “ she said talking to me and the other takeout girl, but clearly directing her words to Karina, a certain sort of reproach for distracting us. But inside I knew she would not have done that if she were not mad at me. Another notch for me to quit, this was affecting out job too much. No wonder the company had strict rules against employee – management relations.
“Yes, we are a bit slow, maybe I can go home?” I said sarcastically.
Karina mumbled something about making a schedule and walked away.
Tatiana let out a forced laughed and said, “good try but you’re closing.
And so she the night dragged on, painfully slow, every second seemed like a minute, and the hours trickled by like sand slipping from an hourglass. Again I found myself trying to get all my work done faster than I usually did. It seemed faster without the distraction of Tati talking to me, the cooks joked around and the final servers hurried to check out as they saw my bleak mood and my one-word answers to their stories about bad tables and good tips.
I was happy that she didn’t come out or call me to he office, because I didn’t have the emotional strength to deal with it right now; however, I also wanted her to come out or call me because it would mean we could fix the problem and signal that she cared.
However neither of the two happened before I had to get her to do the money drop. I pondered for a second should I call her? Would it send a message that I was trying to avoid her, or should I just walk over to her office. Under normal circumstances I would walk to her office, I would probably say something funny or take her a cup of tea or something. I stood there hoping that the silence would make me come up with a quick decision. Yet, it didn’t I took out a bag of strawberries, the ones we used for the chocolate cakes, put them on a place, and took to forks with me. I knocked on her door, she looked up and moved to turn to open the door, and I smiled.
“Hey Tati!”
“Hey, “ she said letting go gently of the door, making sure that I caught it.
I sat on the ledge next to her computer a few inches from her, and let go of the door. It closed with a soft thump and we were left in an awkward silence broken by the hum of the printing machine.
“Want to share some strawberries?” I said innocently.
A soft smile spread across her face, she took the fork from my outstretched hand and took a bite from the plate.
“Will you share cookies and coffee with me tonight?” she said.
“Tati, I’m soo sorry,” I said taking the opportunity to talk to apologize.
“Don’t be,” she said.
“No, let me talk,” I interrupted, “I want you to know that I think of you as part of my family. What you think really matters, and it’s kind of surprising that it does. I mean I don’t think I’ve ever had such a close friend. Not even Andrea and them. And I realize that this has been blown out of proportion, but I also realize that you were right and I reacted defensively too promptly. I don’t just want it to be forgotten because if we don’t solve it will come back,” I stopped taking in a deep breath realizing I hadn’t been breathing.
She opened her lips slightly as if to say something, but rather took anther strawberry from the plate and took another bite.
“I have considered leaving the restaurant, because every time we get mad it affect our flow and I just feel bad, so I really think maybe I should leave. On the other hand I also love it here and it would make sad. I just want you to know I am going to make changes in my life in regards to what this whole issue was about, will you forgive me?”
“Will you share cookies and coffee with me tonight?” she asked smiling.
“I want a real answer,” I said reproachfully.
“Baby of course I do, it was partly my fault to and we should have talked this out earlier. Now, I do not want you to quit. I wouldn’t let you. Now for the cookie and coffee, want to go buy some?” she asked handing me a 20 dollar bill.
“Don’t you want to do my drop first?” I asked.
“That would be nice, “ she said getting up and following me to the register.
As we rounded the corner she gave me a friendly push and said, “Let me see the shirt that Karina got you,”
“Don’t be jealous,” I taunted.
“I’m not I’m mad you guys didn’t invite me shopping,”
“OMG!” I laughed using the phrase I was notorious for.
She laughed and we began to do the drop. I finished the paper work rapidly and waved a quick goodbye as I grabbed my bag and my car keys.
“See you at home,” I whispered.
“Are you going to the store?” she asked grabbing her purse.
“Umm yup… yup…” I said walking away.
“Come here,”
“No because the more time you take the more time I wait to eat cookies.”
She laughed, the soft, and cheerful laugh she always had with me and I turned around smiling at her as I walked. Yes, yes I had missed her.
But somehow on the drive there I felt certain loneliness and unsolved sadness that had no certain cause but simply was. Perhaps it was the relief that came after everything was solved, maybe just a human necessity to be sad sometimes or my subconscious unwilling to accept happiness. Whatever it was, I was melancholy. Nana Mouskouri played in the background of my tears. “Smile though your heart is aching, even though it’s breaking…” I smiled through my tears as the lights soundlessly turned from red to green and I turned into the store. Smile tiny raindrops fell on my window for a second and then stopped. I turned the engine off but left the music, the soft soothing music that continued as my tears gently flowed.
My mother texted me amidst this scene saying she hoped I was okay, and that she had detected a tone of sadness in voice that was due to more than a bad tip day as I had told her. “Your right I wrote back… there are many other things that make me sad in life… the ending of a great day, sad movie endings, the last page of the book I love, airports, goodbyes, looking back and realizing I didn’t always make the best decision, missing family and loosing friends.”
Delete
I stopped and deleted the message I had written, the last thing I wanted was for my mother to call me worried that I was going through a depressive phase. I put my phone to my side as the blurry red light turned green. I drove up the hill that led to my house and parked silently. I sat in the quiet, dark car for a few minutes. A box of chocolate covered Madeline’s and a box of strawberry tea sat on the passengers seat.
I was thinking of everything I had written to my mother, airports and all the sad memories they brought. The first time I visited one, when we moved to California and left my native country, the book I had just been reading and the fact that it ended and love story had nowhere else to go, I was looking back at the decision I had made since I moved out, and before I moved out and how they hadn’t always been the best ones. I was deep in concentration when suddenly the phone rang and it took me a second to realize that it was ringing. The bright LCD displayed that it was Tati calling and so I took a deep breath and tried to sound cheerful; yet, the thoughts were still playing in my mind.
“Hey what’s up?” I answered.
“Nothing much, are you home yet?” she asked
“Yeah I just pulled up, are you still at work?”
“No, I am getting into my car right now.”
“Okay cool,” I said
“Are you okay? You sound kind of hushed,”
“No, I was in the car… that’s it.’
“Are you sure?”
“Yup 100 percent, just hurry up I got chocolate coved Madeline’s…”
“Okay I’ll be right there…”
“Okay” I said and hung up without waiting for the good bye.
As I entered the house the answering machine blinked incessantly
“Hi… umm this is Justin I was wondering if maybe you girls had lost my phone number, well specially Tatiana. Give me a call sometime.”
I didn’t know what to feel, I felt a sudden confusion a pang of jealousy? I stood there for a second and almost replayed the message, and then I stopped and walked into my room put my pajamas on, and began to brew some tea.
“Anybody home?” Tati called jokingly from the front porch.
“Yeah, I’m in the kitchen…” I called back.
She came behind me, grabbing me by the shoulders and then giving me a gentle hug. I smiled trying to hide the thoughts that were still running through my mind.
“Well you made it home fast,” I said pulling myself away from her embrace, “how fast were you driving?”
“Not fast enough to run a red light,” she said making a reference to my recent red light ticket that the camera, had so unfortunately caught.
I half laughed.
“Are you sure your okay?” she probed.
“Im fine just kind of tired,”
She opened her lips as if to say something, then paused, came closer to me and hugged me.
“You know I love you a lot right? That you are like a little sister to me, I don’t know why or when but I do. And though I was mad at you it was because I was worried about you. You know I would never hurt you… if you feel sad or anything we can talk it out right? You would trust me right?” she looked at me.
It was rare, like my best friend was asking me to tell her a secret, but at the same time there was a protective vibe like my mother assuring me the monsters would go away from under the bed.
I walked away from her embrace again, turned the teapot off, and grabbed two silver lined cups.
“Okay, your right … I am feeling a bit melancholy.”
I walked out of the kitchen slowly into the dinning room holding the two cups, and two tea bags.
“can you bring a tray and two plates for the cookies?” I said softly.
“A tray and what?”
“Plates,” I said louder this time.
The silence that followed as I sat the cups down and she brought the tray with cookies and two matching silver plates seemed to last an eternity. Suddenly I was eager to tell her my sadness, I wanted her to know how I felt, where my tears came from, that I had almost texted my mother, that I cried in the car. I wanted to tell her everything but I didn’t know where to start.
“Baby,” she said sitting right next to me, “you’re crying.”
I suddenly realized that hot, damp tears had been rolling down my cheeks, I wiped then away with my hand.
“I don’t know why Tati, I swear. I know some people have bigger problems than I do. You have your divorce and the baby girls for example. I just felt really sad as I was driving, like all the problems of my life came tumbling down. Then my mom texted me that she had heard me sad and I was about to text her the same thing I’m telling you now, but I knew she would call and I didn’t want that. I was happy that we were happy but I felt sad for random thing, my career, my lost friends, my family away, the dumb things I have done lately I don’t know I just felt melancholy,” I said it all really fast rambling like a five-year old who is eager to get attention.
She smiled, “you’re so young and its okay to feel sad for many reasons.”
“I know, I just feel dumb.”
“Well, I can’t help you there.”
I pulled away managing a smile.
“That’s the girl I want, the one with the big smile.”
I almost said it, almost blurted out, “Justin called,” almost but I didn’t do it I didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment. What would I say after that? You should call him, I’m a bit jealous, cookies? No, I would wait, I would wait till before we go to sleep.
And so I did, we sat together my head leaning on her shoulder and I told her about my day, and she told me about hers too and we laughed as we flipped the channels to watch infomercials and old movies that were on at 2am.
It was a rare moment a combination between that sister I never had and best friends who you are having a sleepover with.
Finally my eyes started to get sleepy and she whispered in my ear, “You want to go to sleep?”
The thought flickered at the back of my mind, I hadn’t told her yet, do I hold it till tomorrow, will she think I was hiding it?
“Yeah,” I say getting up and dragging my feet halfway to the room, then my will betrays me, I turn look at her and say unimportantly, “Justin called.”
For a second she looks at me, “Justin?”
“Yuuup, “ I say and keep on walking.
“Your friend?” she questions.
I think she’s just pretending
“Yuuup,” I say again, “he left a message … to call him back.”
“Oh,” she finally blurts.
I know she’s looking for something to say, I can see her mind searching for something to tell me, she looks up and gets up following me to the room. She sits in the corner of my bed as I fold the covers on top of me.
“Goodnight,” I offer innocently.
“Is that why you were awkward tonight?”
I consider my answer, “I could say no, I could say it had nothing to do with that, but you would think I’m lying and it would give it more importance than in has. Truth is I was feeling sad, my mom and me had a fight, you know. It did feel a little strange, it threw me off, and I didn’t want to make our night awkward that’s why I didn’t say it before. But it doesn’t matter that much. I’m just really glad about tonight.” I say and lean in to hug her.
She stand for a second motionless and as I begin to pull away she hugs me too and whispers, “me too.”
I give her a kiss on the cheek.
“I would never call him back, it flattered me that he liked me, but he’s not my type.”
“To blond I add,” we laugh.
“No, its not that,” she adds.
“Someone else?” I interrupt
“Yuuup,”
“Who is it?” I ask straightening my covers like a little girl who is going to hear a story.
“You know who it is”
“I do? Does he work with us”
“Yuuup,”
“Who, who? A server?”
“No”
“Bar? Eww not Gus”
“Umm, no, why does he like me?
“Is it him?”
“No, no I was just curious?”
“Is it a kitchen person, I’m running out of ideas.”
“Its well there is only manager left.”
I stopped breathing, she must have noticed
