imaginary conversation 9
It was an awkward moment, the silence filled out heads and though we looked at each other no words were coming out. It was very early Monday morning, and we had gone to church the day before. I had driven and after getting breakfast in the drive-thru of the most famous fast food restaurant in the whole world, I parked outside the empty church. The main doors were opened and we walked in silently. Somehow I lead the way to the very front seats, and she followed closely, sitting next to me.
I pulled the kneelers and she followed suit, kneeling next to me. We sat there looking at the altar, the handing Christ draped in silk, and the small wooden cross at the far end and the chair where the priest sits every Sunday.
“I used to carry that cross,” I told her.
She turned around to me a quizzical look on her face.
I laughed silently, “I used to be an altar helper.”
“You?” she said.
“I know it’s hard to believe,” I said and leaned close to her ear, “I used to be a good girl.”
“ I think you still are,” she murmured turned back to the altar and bowing her head. I was about to reply, and then closed my mouth. In an instance she had gotten very serious and her face showed a passive concern, a deep though that I hadn’t seen in a long time.
I got up and walked over to the altar. I crossed myself and then walked over the holy water fountain. I saw my reflection in the water. Dark hair flowing past shoulder length, large dark eyes, in a soft honey skin, a deep purple shade colors my eyelids and the eyeliner pull out, like cat eyes. There is a pearl necklace on my neck and a sad smile hangs on. I still looked the same as I always did I felt ages different.
I though about when I used to come here, years ago and climb the tiny stairs to the back room, I’d put on my white cape and carry the communion wine. Then we’d drink some in the back before the mass. I though about when I used to come here with my mom and cry about how sad and lost I felt, and she held my hand and dried my tears. I though about when I came here later and we sat coldly looking at each other, barely hugging when it was time to give peace. A tear rolled down my cheek, I let it go, and then I threw a small pebble at the fountain, it rippled just like in the movies.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t turn around I didn’t need to. The ripple had stopped and next to my reflection was Tatiana’s. Her natural hair color was gone and she had died it a deep burgundy black. It was styled in waves, around her face, she had a soft grey hue in her eyes, and sparkling diamond rings on her ears. Her face also had a nostalgic look on it, and we both leaned out head together. We stared at our reflection and at the odd comfort of the moment. I know we could have stayed there hours. And the few moment that we did, felt like hours. I saw a tear drop from there eyes too and she too let it go.
“Ready to go?” I said.
She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, leaned on her shoulder as she responded, “Yeah, lets go.”
We walked past the altar one more time and stood there, I crossed myself and she did the same. We walked slowly out the building into the now noon sun that glared at us.
The drive home was a quiet one, as I turned on the radio and soft elevator music filled the air. “What time do you work?” I asked.
“At 2,” she said.
“Okay, I’ll drop you off and then I’ll come back at four” I answered.
“Sound good to me,” she responded.
“Thank you for this morning,” she said as I dropped her off.
I kept silent I hate thank you s instead I extended my arms and gave her a hug. It was a tight hug, the kind you give at airport goodbyes. She hugged me tightly to, like my mom used to. Holding me there for seconds on end.
“All right, I’ll be back,” I said feeling sad.
“See you later.”
When I got home, I plopped on the couch. I turned on the computer and then turned it off, I didn’t know what to do. I stood there and looked around me. I ironed my shirt, I made some coffee, and I turned the radio on, and sat there with my coffee cup, Tony Benet playing in the background and the clock ticking away. I looked like a movie scene, the girl that waits for something, something to come.
“Waiting for an absolution that will never come,” just like Rose said in Titanic. At around three I put my shirt on, put my pins on the collar, tied my tie, put my apron on and walked out the door. I also put on my cheerful face; the one I use everyday, with my fake smile and my rehearsed conversation about the weather, the wine and random crap that comes out. I secured it well with a little optimism and a little acting skill and finally drove off to work.
When I got there Tati was super busy already and I didn’t really get to say hi. The night went by really fast and yet really slow. Time was kind of playing games with me and I felt a little lost. I messed up twice, once dropping past and marinara sauce on a lady, and the second with a party, the food came to fast, the salad to late and the desserts needless to say, were free.
At the end of the day, I sat in the café area, I sat down to eat a Brushetta and I sat down far from Tatiana because I didn’t want to talk. She sat down next to me.
“We did a lot of guest today,” she said.
“Really?” I said drawing my letters.
“Yeah, but less than last year.”
“Oh,” I answered
“Are you tired,” she said
“A little,” I answered.
I really just wanted to be alone, but somehow we kept on talking, in a few seconds Vanessa came by and then Krystal and all four of us sat there talking about all and nothing. Tatiana’s daughters, school, work, alcohol, clothes, and an hour later we were still there. I had finished my Brushetta, I had finished my diet Pepsi, and I had finished with the day.
At about that time, she got up and finally decided she had to finish her work.
“Well, girls I have to go,” said Vanessa.
“All right, bye,” I said.
Then Krystal asked if I wanted to go to a kickback after work, and if I cold give her a ride.
“Yeah, I’ll go, “ I said.
I walked out the door without telling, Tatiana and we drove over to her apartment. Well, we did stop to buy apple juice and rum. I bought Vodka. I only stayed an hour, and had one drink.
“Stay the night, “ she said.
“I can’t I have to pick up someone,” I said.
“Awww girly, we need to get hammered and forget our worries,” she laughed.
“I know, I know, but friendship calls.”
“Okay, go, but next week we are going clubbing and we are passing out on someone’s car,” she said.
“Deal,” I said as I hugged her.
I walked out into the cold day of the now Monday morning and I turned the lights to my car. The same music that was playing in the morning tuned on again. I turned it off; automatically I needed the silence of the night.
Tatiana was already done with all her work and waiting for me in the lobby. Two other bussers were waiting for her and walked out as she turned the light off and locked the door.
“Where were you?” she asked slightly raising her voice.
“Sorry, I am so sorry I went over to Krystal’s,” I said.
“That’s fine, but tell me before you leave,” she said.
“I know, I’m sorry sorry, “ I kept on saying as we pulled away.
“Whatever, did you drink?”
“I had one drink,” I said.
She looked at me.
“ I swear, I have the bottle of vodka in the trunk,” I said.
She laughed, “your so funny.”
“Does that mean, your not mad anymore?” I questioned like a little girl questions her parents.
“I can’t be mad at you, you know that.”
“Okay, so how was the night?” I asked.
“ I don’t know you tell me, “ she said.
“Well, I think we should put it behind, we should throw it all away and get drunk, and I do have a bottle of vodka!!”
“Wow, I am a responsible mother of three,” she said.
I burst out laughing.
“I am.”
“I know, but for tonight they are sleeping, and that means we can forget about it all.”
“Why?” she asked
“Why, what?” I answered
“Why tonight,”
“Why not?”
“Why yes?”
“Why are you asking? It’s a yes or no question.”
“Well, my answer is we’ll see.”
“Fine.” I said.
“I’ll just drink it myself.”
“Drink by yourself?” she said
“Why not?”
“Why are you asking?”
“Because you asked… this conversation is too confusing, forget it lets just go to bed.”
I pulled up to the house and we walked to the porch.
“Do you want anything to eat?” I asked
“Umm, no I don’t think so.”
“Okay Tati, see you tomorrow.” I said as I got into my room.
“All right goodnight.”
I sat on the couch, took of my uniform and slipped in to my pajamas. A swanky little shirt that I had gotten for the holidays, it had the Dior name in the front and also across the leg. It was my favorite to sleep on a bad day. It made me feel important.
I threw the covers out; I climbed in to bed and after a second, slipped back out. I grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a shot. I stared at it. I was about to take another shot, when the bedroom door opened slowly.
“I figured you would,” Tatiana said.
“I only took one,” I said.
“Friends don’t let friends drink alone, “ she said laughing.
“Well, then I said pouring her a shot,” here you are.
“ I don’t really like shots how about we add some juice?” she said
“I don’t have any,” I said.
“Ta-day!” she said pulling out a cranberry bottle from behind her.
“Cran- vodka!! My favorite!!” I said.
So we poured half juice, half vodka, and she drank it. Then it was turn, half juice half vodka and then it was her turn again.
“ I haven’t done shots in ages,” she laughed, “ I feel like I’m twenty again living with my roommate.”
“Well, I feel like I’m twenty again, three years ago, I should have done this,” I said.
“You know age is in the heart,” said after four or five shots.
She laughed and I felt a little fuzzy, like room was spinning, of course I did have three more than she did.
“You’re right Tati, age is in the heart,” I murmured slurring my words.
“Your very drunk, girl,” she said with a smile
“Well, your catching up, “ I said as a I handed her another shot, this one only had a drop of cranberry, my bartending skills were getting better as the night progressed.
“Uggh,” she said making a face and slamming the glass down.
I laughed, and as I tried to grab the glass I leaned over to her and tipped a little to the front.
She caught my arm with her hand and pulled me up next to her.
“Your very pretty, have I ever told you?” she said looking at me in the eye.
“Yeah, once when you were drunk also,” I said looking away and dropping my head on her shoulder. I was sitting cross-legged on the bed and she sat the same way but leaning on the headrest.
“Well, remind me to tell you once when you’re sober,” she said.
“I will, if I remember, but your know what your very pretty too, don’t let anyone tell you other wise okay? “ I said, “Okay?”
“I love your eyes,” she said.
Her hand touched my cheek and pulled a stray hair away.
I looked up and she leaned in, her lips softly touched mine, and he hands held my face. I kissed her back, my right hand grabbed her shoulder and my left one ran in her hair. I raised my body to get out of the cross-legged position and leaned over to her, she ended up resting completely on the headrest. Before we knew it we were fully kissing each other, her lips gently but firmly pushing against mine. It was the weirdest feeling, knowing what I was doing, but at the same time lost in the kiss.
I felt on her lap, my legs on each side of her. We stopped kissing for a second as she laughed, and grabbed my waist. Her hands ran up my spine and my hands caressed her face. Then I leaned in to kiss her again, she met me halfway, then the kiss navigated to my cheek, to her cheek, to her ear and neck and then mine. The whisper of her breath against my face. I hugged her tight and she moved out in the side of the bed. I pushed her back, so she laid flat on her back. I climbed on top, cat like and bent in to kiss her. She pulled my hair back with her hands and then let it drop as once again her hands ran through me waist and further down.
“Would you play truth or dare with me?” I asked.
“I’d play anything with you,” she said
“Okay pick then?”
“Truth?”
“Would you make love to me right now?” I said
“Yes,” she said.
“Now you pick,” she said
“Dare,”
“I dare you to do it, do it now because tomorrow we wont’ remember anything.”
She sat up on the bed and pushed me back. Doing exactly what I had done a few minutes before.
“Truth,” I said as she kissed my lips, “I really love you.”
“Tell me a secret,” I said as the night began to fade, the darkness got darker and my mind was not thinking clearly.
“I can’t you know them all,” she whispered in my ear.
“There has to be one, one I want to hear tonight,” I said.
“That’s the last one, I have the one I can’t tell anyone.”
“But then this is the last one we have, the one we can’t tell anyone,” I said
“I love you,” she whispered, “but it’s a secret.”
“I know, I know,” I said and those are the last words I remember.
When I woke up, we were both sleeping on the bed; we were sleeping side by side, facing each other. I held her hand, and she held mine. I bottle of liquor lay on the floor, next to the juice. I looked at her as she slept. Her hair was messy on her cheek, I felt my own hair with my free hand, and it was messy too. Images of the night before came back. Like flashes of light in a dark room.
I was fully clothed, and so was she.
“Would you?” I heard whispers of last night; my mind was very fuzzy still.
“Dare, I love you, Tell me secret, you know them all, Do it now,” I shook my head.
I was confused, but somehow deep inside I didn’t regret whatever had happened.
“Tati,” I whispered shaking her hand softly.
She tossed and moved the other way. I sat there in bed, free of her hand, and combed her hair with my fingers. She made a soft noise and then went on sleeping. I was always the first one up, I took a sip of the juice, and I was thirsty. I looked at my cell phone. I was past 6 in the morning.
Suddenly she turned around, and I stopped combing her hair. She opened her eyes and looked at me confused.
“Hi,” I said. She got up, and stretched. Then she looked at me, and I looked at her. I was the awkward moment; neither of us said a word. What could we say? Do you apologize, do you ignore it, and do you talk about it?
“I…” the letter came out of my lips, but nothing followed.
“Shhhhh,” she followed and her hand pulled up to lips.
“No words,” she said
“I just,”
“No words can ever solve, or dissolve last night,”
“I’m sorry,” I began
“Are you? Are your really?” she said.
I turned my head around and buried it in my pillow.
She followed it and whispered in my ear.
“This is the secret, the one you wanted to know, you can’t be sorry now.”
“Do we go on and forget about it?” I asked, “Because I can’t, I don’t regret it, I’m not sorry is that bad?”
“I don’t know, because I don’t regret it either, I would do it over.”
I laughed, tilting my head backward.
“I would too, I’d do it too.”
“Lets get some food,” she said
“I’m not really hungry, I have a bit of a headache.”
“Yeah, me too, I’m going to take a shower.”
“Okay, I’ll make some coffee for us, and some pancakes for the girls.”
“Thank you,” she whispered walking out of the room.
“But, Tati?” I said as she walked into the frame of the door.
She turned around, “yeah?”
“No, nothing,” I said.
She looked at me and walked over to the bed, “nothing changes our friendship we already said that right? “
I smiled, “I know that… but for me it’s awkward to not know what you think.”
“Well, just say I did some crazy things when I was your age, its okay,” she said.
I turned and looked at her, she was maybe two inches away from my face. It was inevitable, we both really wanted to seal the night; the chemistry was still there and for a brief second our lips touched again, softly and passionately at the same time. I put my arms around her and she held my face.
As we pulled away, we laughed and she walked away ready to take a shower.
I went to the kitchen, and fixed some strong coffee, as I was doing so, Jessica came bouncing in… “Anahi!!”
“Good morning, baby,” I smiled as she sat in the kitchen table.
“You didn’t tell me a story last night,” she reproached.
“That’s because I got home and you were sleeping, but I’ll tell you a really good one tonight.”
“Okay,” she accepted
“Okay what do you want for breakfast, we have to get you ready for school.”
“I want cereal,” she said
“I was going to make pancakes, want one?”
“No, I want cereal,” she said putting Blinky the bear on the chair next to her.
“I want one, I want one, “ said Victoria as she waltzed in with her sister trailing.
“You girls are up early,” I said.
“We’re hungry,” said Victoria in her matter of fact voice.
“Okay, I’ll make you a deal, set the table and I’ll make the food.”
“O k a y,” they all said.
As they were doing so, Tatiana walked in with a towel on her head.
“Mommy, mommy Anahi is making breakfast!!” said Jessica very exited.
“That’s exiting,” she said caressing the little girls head.
“What do you want to eat,” I asked her with my face toward the stove.
“Just coffee and some bread,” she answered.
“Hmmm,” I replied.
As I put pancakes on each of the girls’ plates, except for Jessica who wanted cereal, she poured two coffee cups. We leaned on the sink and sipped as the girls chatted amongst themselves.
“I wish they were mine,” I said referring to the three beautiful girls on the table.
“Yeah, but you’ll have yours one day.” She said
“I don’t think so,” I answered.
“Well, you can share mine, they are yours too. They love you as much,” she said.
“I know, I know,” I answered back.
“And I love you as much too, you get the whole package deal,” she joked.
“Ohh, I know that,” I said implying something about last night.
She laughed a pure, laugh and took a sip of her coffee.
“Come on get dressed to take the girls to school.”
“But you don’t work today, you can take them.” I replied.
“I know, but I want to take you out somewhere before,” she whispered.
“Ahhh, Mrs. Tatiana is that a date?”
“Maybe,” she joked.
“I’m exited okay lets go,” I set my cup down and ran to take shower. I felt gullible like a child waiting for Christmas gifts.
I showered fast, putting on a new pair of skinny jeans I had bought, and a tunic top that I had bought the same day. I looked at myself in the mirror and put lotion on my face. I followed it with blue shadow on my lid and white on my brow bone. I put on blush, and line, I did mascara and powder, the whole nine yards.
“Your pretty today,” she said.
Tatiana had also done her make up perfectly, her hair in layer again, and she was wearing a dark pair of jeans, with a with pea coat and a dark shirt.
“Your pretty too,” I said.
“Thanks”
“Are we pretty too?” asked the three girls in their uniforms.
“No,” I said, “Your beyond pretty your three princesses are precious.”
They giggled and Tatiana lined them up to get in the car.
I helped put the seatbelts on
And after dropping them off, we drove quietly, simple everyday chat made its way. We talked about work, my school, the girls, her husband, and many other things. The drive was long and I really wanted to ask where we were going. But it seemed like expectation was better than knowledge.
Finally, we pulled up to a beautiful park. The trees swayed softly in the breeze and there were miles and miles of green pastures. We walked side by side up the hills and came to a little clearing where a large lake stood. The water trickled into tiny side paths away from the main lake. I looked up and the clouds were puffy white, standing out from the baby blue sky.
“I used to come when I was younger,” she said, “ when I was sad or confused I’d come here and everything was better after I left.”
“It seems like it would, it’s beautiful,” I said.
“Make a wish, make a wish in the lake,”
“I can’t, “ I said
“Why?” she asked
“We both have to make one,” I answered, “give me your hand and make the wish as I do”
“All right,” she condescended.
We made a wish simultaneously and stared at the lake.
“Its beautiful Tati, thank you for bringing me here,” I said.
“No worries, I hadn’t been here in ages, I always came a lone, and it was my secret place. I have never shared it with anyone before.”
“Are you sad someone else shares this with you now?” I asked out of the blue.
She looked at my, “Of course not, but you have to swear you won’t share it with anyone else.”
“I swear it,” I said crossing my heart.
“Ha ha ha, “ she laughed, hugging me by the shoulders.
“Only you and me will know about this, like the Secret Garden,” I exclaimed.
“Okay, like that,” she said.
I slipped out of her hold and sat on he grass. She followed suit.
“What do we do now?” I said
“We sit here, until it’s time to go,” she said.
“Okay, I like that idea,”
“Its so peaceful,”
“I know,”
“So, when are we going to hire, again?”
“I’m taking applications now, I might hire in a few weeks.”
“Did we have people quit?”
“A few, Linda, Roy, and Marta is moving,”
“Oh, wow, that’s a lot, isn’t Jenney also transferring?”
“The one that does take out?” she repeated.
“Yes,”
“Yeah, she is,”
“Well, I’m transferring too,” I declared
“Oh, not your not,” she said
“Who is going to stop me?”
“I will, I won’t transfer you,”
“Ha-ha, I’ll talk to your supervisor,”
“Do it, and tell you live in my house.”
“OH, no you didn’t are you challenging me?”
She laughed, “Why are you going to take it?”
“I’m thinking about it”
She reached over and tickled my sides
“Are you?”
“That’s not fair your cheating,”
“GM’s never cheat,” she said pretending to be offended.
“Well, I wouldn’t take it anyway, I would miss you too much,”
“Ahhh, okay then,”
“No, I would… late night talks over soup? How can I ever beat that?”
We both laughed, laughed till out stomach muscles hurt and then we stopped.
“We should go now, I’m hungry!!” I said.
“Yeah, I have a great place to go to!!”
“Another secret place?” I asked
“Umm no this is where I used to go with my friends in high school.”
“Well, then maybe it does not exist any more,” I joked
“Fine then I’ll go and you stay hungry,” she said marching off.
“No wait “I said jogging after her, “I was joking.”
“Sure,” she said joking back.
“Tati, come one, I love you!! And I’m very hungry,” I said catching my breath as I reached her.
“Okay, I’ll take you little girl,”
“I won’t say another work back,”
“That’s right you stay quiet all through lunch.”
I laughed, “It’s been a great day!”
“I know, we should do this more often” she said.
“You know what I think is weird?” I asked.
“No, I don’t besides you of course.”
“Ummm, no” I said.
“But really tell me now,” she said as we reached her car.
“I haven’t gone out with my friends in like a week,” I said.
“Mmmh let me think about that, I haven’t in like two weeks,”
“Isn’t it weird, I mean I know we are busy, but we find the time to go out and yet I haven’t gone out in a while with other people.”
“You just love me too much,”
“Well, I don’t know about that I see you like 24/7,”
“What are you trying to say,”?
“Work, home, outside… That’s a lot of Tatiana for one girl,”
“So… I see you 24/7 too,”
I know I’m just messing,” I said, “Tati you know I love you.”
“Ill hold you to it,”
“Girl, how many times have I been there for you, dried your tears, shared your laughs and you have too so lets just shut up and eat,” I said finalizing the conversation.
“Well, you started it,” she said sounding like a little girl.
“Fine, so I can end it too,” I said climbing to the passenger side of my own car.
“Why are you in the wrong seat?” she asked.
I handed her the keys, “You know where we are going, and you drive.”
“I can’t drive your car,” she said joking.
“Why its not good enough for you?” I said back
“Why, no it isn’t”
“Just drive,” I said getting hungry.
“Okay, I’ll make an effort,” she said poking my stomach.
“Oh, yeah that helps,” I said.
“Lets go go” she said, driving off.
“ I want eggs and French toast,” I began, “ do they have that?”
“No, but they have awesome salads and fries” she said looking at me.
“Well, I guess I’ll sacrifice,” I joked.
“Shut up, your going to fucking love this place,”
“Well, see, can’t say until I see it.
“Don’t you mean until you taste it?”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s what I meant.”
And so as we drove and made a few twist and turns, I though about the day that had just happened. The day that had started last night with one shot of vodka and proceeded to my best friend and me making out in the bed. But not only was she my best friend, she was my manager, the person I shared a house with and so in my perspective it made it more awkward. But somehow we had pulled it off; we took and never regretted it. And it did not affect the perfect relationship we had come to cultivate. I was glad, times were tough and loosing a friend over a drunk night was not in my plans, now maybe over a piece of French toast, well that’s another story.
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